pt. 3

laced in the riddles you tell for free air fare and dutch narcotics.
laced fingers.
numb gums.
failed trial and error.
mood swings and sick familiars.
death and the ever growing shade that follows you.
his chubby cheeks.
anger and resentment for lack of communication and your unapparent participation.
his hair combed back.
unease.
unrest.
visas.
passports.
lustful containment.
detainees.
forgetting the names of the people you loved most so you can create something substantial for yourself.
in a place that your friends inside their houses playing xbox with their unborn babies can't understand.
dreams of interviews with comedians overshadow your day job.
its like theravada says, we're always, wanting.
desire is the root of all displeasure.
and the dimension for which we seek it.
disconnected earlobes.
dopey configurations.
the stinch of heat in the summer.
when flesh seemingly rots its way thru peaceless nights.
nights where its too hot to fall asleep.
sticky tossing and turning.
but then
your sick facination with reading and
sad souls makes you who they need you to be;
imperfection.
warrants wave past your ears.
thoughtless participation is the new motive
that laying in gutters was last year.
patience is an unavoidable accordance when
falling in love,
with drunks.
love being, unattainable.

pt. 2

if you're free,
come sit in this dark with me.
we can waste away to an ink blot
a graphic function our atoms collect
a standard invitation that leaves you feeling parched and mute, yet somehow balanced.
i saw a piece of silence waning somewhere beyond the cityscape.
it looked like you and me, your hands fused around my waist.
when you leave me alone, i'm morbid.
and days play straight into chemical addiction.
where lines rob this face of youth and liquid accumulation melts agility.
she sits slurring words.
dark lidded eyes,
beautiful pug lipped features.
sweating out every pore of you,
a mixture of salt and desperation.
words your guild could never understand.
verses you keep locked inside of your clenched fists.

pt 1.

wild sprinter
gliding on blades of grass
devotated naysayer
denier of love and all things frictional.
using life as an excuse
to rotate cylinders
to perpetrate cycles of devoid emotions,
depictions of courage;
a price tag teemed validation.
its a ripped sleeve
exposing the place where your heart once was.

lice

free spirit.
nordic philanthropist.
dissolving eyes
pulling beneath icy sheets.
pulls at my retinas.
wrings out my arteries.
and i and you
plays softly on in some sick lethargic fashion
while you ride escalators to dreams bigger than the both of us.
while i sit, erroding beneath your keeper.
the one that braids your hair and washes your laundry.
up here is poison.
up here with benevolence and regret
acting out of loneliness.
down there where they are right and make no decisions.
down there where love truimphs and you exchange wedding rings.

lorne.

sitting alone in a dark vial of preference.
the clouds are stilted,
the dead leaves float down, fluttering like moths.
grey exceeds this smile.
she returns to her rightful place beneath the surface.
where catastrophes go to sleep.
where catalysts go to pray.
you're standing somewhere beside a sinking mirror.
and i cry out to steadfast,
i pour blood to its deities, so i could have you next to me.
but these sweaty palms are constantly letting go of everything it grows fond of.
i thought somewhere between last night and the year it is today, i could find you.
that maybe the name of the disease would bring understanding.
but who understands what a name means.
i look down and i know i'm loosing you.
before the roads even have a chance to move.
agoraphobic, pathologic.
isolation dwells in ovaries.
far from the lampoid.

/close./

daphne

sitting under a depthless tree
in the midst of summer deportation hearings.
somewhere between the thick air and the ground,
summer is heaving around us..
lifeless, incapable of being able to lift myself from the dredges of humidity,
from the absence of your being.
leaving the city made things comfortable,
and its quiet at night now.
nothing disturbs the way the old zones did.
not the sounds of bars howling
not the flipping of locks from the inhabitants of doors adjacent.
somewhere you found me,
lost beneath the pavement
crying, for a destitute shoulder
a lover, another broken fetus.
the wounded of the earth,
suffering in silence.
who are we to sit here despondent, until the day we inevitably expose the other for the failure that wears bruised flesh and organic cotton.
i still wonder if you're out there..
when i stare at the skyline beyond the trees here.
the skyline that i once craddled beneath torpedo windows.
somewhere amongst the culminations of crimson light and parking tickets floating to the heavens.
i stare out past the train tracks here.
i listen to songs from powderlipped tombstones from the seventies,
whilst southern crunk rolls by.
whilst glasses break.
the world denotes your origin and instead presses upon me something much more collaborative.
wine socials and medical bills.
this state wants me to pick out china patterns and floss a little baby's teeth.
this state has accusations and perscriptions for my hostilities.
the abnormality of all things private.
but inbetween the stiffness in my neck and the constant conotations to vomit.
i think there might be something here.
beyond the nearly naked hipsters.
where you're vowless.



/close./

cabbage.

suddenly guilded
by height
times
when two perfect
broken
souls collide
it was here
where i lost you
here
where i threw you
something came up
creeping
dissolving ambitions
and anxieties alike
you were just as broken
atrophied
pardoned
then forgotten
two gentle
storms
disillusionists
liars for every occassion
deserted
lifted
giving up rotten teeth
presenting
aluminum gifts of ash
and soot
i found you
rotting beneath the pier
i touched your forehead
and you came to
life
/close./

these eyes that salute you.
with songs like, death and her
young, guillontined wings that hang between the poem's fermented tear drops..
trying to break noose.
it won't spark their mundane interest.
you bargain collectives to make fading into the numbness less of a catch all.
with the lump in your throat, and the introverts summoning fears under the table..
pills in hand.
you wave like bits of paper abandoned by trashcans.
you wave, calling all stakes off your crowd.
there's this kind of defiantness that comes over me when i watch you.
where's always that first joy, and then the alledged source but then she is scaling herself into my peripheal.
can't you just let it go.
you were, who you'll be.
who are you trying to impress?
when you're standing on the brink of death and no one's blowing either eay.
get up and decide this.
piece by piece you wither.
while they all sit around eating yogurt.
you wish you could sift down,
somewhere beneath the empty bedrooms.
somewhere safe, where you can't love him.

The roses you fear drape themselves like autumn shrugs.
They run up and down every gate within this town.
Every row around it,
Every bed beneath it.
They dart up around paper crosses.
They hang as uneasy reminders.
Traded and received, as symbols for the precious.
Locked lips retrieve this bitter collective.
And me, well I'd like to pour salt on your pallid ashes.
I'd like to press my lips to yours until blood vessels burst.
The thorns stay there as respected admonitions of this bittersweet parody.
A conjunction of the petal and the pricking seeves.
These roses you fear,
Attend ever right of passage.
Observe every sickle cell transplant.
Rehearse the night the car flipped.
Rewind the way the time slid.
Dragging the life from your bare body.
Smearing cake on the faces of the soon to be forever.
Never to be forgotten.
Every row around it,
Every bed beneath it.
Roses flood, like kudzu.

/close./

"glow"

the claims you keep
laying beneath shattered bathroom windows
gladly accepting
all fails and tactics.
you whisper doves into the lips of more
pleasant girls;
i stand from below, screaming up from wells.
dodging stares and memories..
this reaching out.
has me bruising livers.
has me brushing medicated mindsets.
the truth is, i am retracting.
withdrawing..
this symbol.
cremated resin.
you wade thru split cheeks and difficult
circumstances.
i'm having trouble relating to anything in
this world that isn't a lyric.
throw the bows to who we were.
not who we can be.
the things we say when liquid warms us..
sweet possibilites..
the only time the foreboding sadness does not
enthrall us.
i am not weaker but something more of
stone.
these pulses errupting from my capillaries,
wants to touch your face.
but this hole i keep in my chest,
wants to take something and wait for the
wash.
synonyms for things like, love.


/close./

non.

silent and expediant
these feelings collapse beneath us.
as stars wash above the salt, failing into boiling water.
as feathers dance and molest the sky.
trials of security evade our protection.
nullifying our existence.
as we lick our lips and call to the night.
looking for shoulders to latch onto.
sturdy walls to rest against.
the bulbs float, one by one.
down the winding banks of the rhine, down the knives of architects and child prodigies alike.
i found myself nestled to a cold cup.
broken but fluent,
in the languages of your expat brother.
in the tolerances of your chap lipped sister.
you kick thru the pavement.
you brandish licensure and legislation for other liar's approval.
but who will forgive your face tonight.
the whispers drip down your sullen cheeks.
these diseased, calloused fortunes that corrode your optimism.
silent and expedient.
your cup is replaced.
the last drops of self wash beneath your chair.
and you are once again an empty cavity,
painted and dressed for compliments.
an open tab of anonymity.

/close./

bury us not beneath it.

the day the earth fell
we stood kicking our way thru your ashes.
the day the earth fell
we ripped our lungs crying out to forgotten tyrants,
and beings that reside in the sky.
i put blood under my tongue.
i left my heart with who i was.
the day the earth fell
our hearts stopped beating,
and we stayed living out of force of habit.
we washed our eyes with tiny vessels of crimson
we tried to fill our hallowed faces with tasteless morsels.
we tried to paint our placid skin so the questions would cease.
but there was nothing left to occupy us,
except the continuation of existing.
the day the earth fell
my knees became permanently attached to my chest
i started sleeping just to experience something
the sun defied gravity, plunged out of the sky..
we became a variety defined by the purple coves holding our eyes.
defined by the numbness your loss intensified.
when you went away,
the day the earth fell,
we all succumbed to living.
skin keeps us safe in this tomb.
they pray to twilight to keep your image alive.
we surround ourselves with sadness,
the sole comfort to the survivor..
the pain reminds us you weren't just a dream.

/close./

5 hrs till sunlight.

and so there it is
you are as alone as you were in the beginning
peacefully rejected.. this numbing priority
feels somewhat instantaneous
don't we all just want understanding.
compassion to take our eyes
to dress the wounds we keep inside our cheeks.
these lies are persuasive.
but they are not idle.
you lay riddled with anxious movements.
reciting themselves from conversations past.
you see his face in the back of your mind, and wonder if this was all for a reason.
sleepless and stagnant, you write.
you write for a new tomorrow.
you write for someone to hold you.
you write for the sun and its forgiveness.
these pills force what socialization couldn't.
you look out your pillow into a world where people notice you.
into a world where isolation isn't your prisoner.
you practice and rehearse what you would do in that world.
if you could only continue,
your place there thru your real day.
5 hours till sunlight.. and you can't sleep a bite.



/close./

et

You watch as like waves, the feelings swell around your cheeks. Nothing more excites you. Numb isn't just your agent. Its your lover, your trainer, your best friend, your closest confident. You glide thru age, waiting to happen onto some golden rudder to latch onto. But to grasp, your will is gone..

/close./

Walking in that white suit,
your hair plastered to your scalp.
Like a hat.
The nasally squeeze, of your lyrics writhing out..
the pinch of your lips..
If all I can do is memorize pictures.
If all I can have are dreams to keep me complacent..
Then I'm frozen looking out from the vents you call eyes,
leaking down to this print.
Is it too much to wish that we could graduate from this courier new?
Limping from one trial to the next.
I wade in the reoccurring back fade.
Picturing there was a way to go backwards,
that you could have come further.
But no tears for us.
There are no more you's to write us into this situation.
Screwing thru the servitude,
I blink at your recorded exhale.
But no tear's for us.
There are no more you's,
to lie and wish me well.
As they seek their comforts.
As they embrace their negligent reasoning.
But the patrons of occasions like these,
we just cross our eyes.
We just pinch our veins, too see if plasma still drifts through something,
so hollow..
How are we so numb?
When you were so vivid?
With every ash that falls to earth,
I feel less a human.

/close./

endless. nameless. thoughtless.

you've become faceless.
i'm not sure what you used to be to me.
when did we abandon these talents?
how did everything become so senseless?
the rain doesn't seem to bother me anymore.
the ice doesn't seem to feel as frigid.
these ideas and concepts,
used to make things worth fighting for.
worth being conscious.
but anywhere i stand these days,
i see grey, sunless clouds.
these dimensions, fragment me.
into slivers of blue, slivers of black.
this town is faceless. that town is faceless.
these hands are steel scissors.
where is the comfort that used to satisfy?
these symptoms so passionless..
corroding this.
corroding that..
destroying lips, distrusting rats.
they used to be friends.
you used to react.
is there any blue left in the sky.
are you taking it with you when they bury your pride?
what lifts this weight?
haunting sleep. haunting day.
i bow to you,
to where you used to lay.

/close./

If you want to hit me.
If you want to drape blood across this friendship.
I'll get you the hammer.
But standing here now
I can't support this numbness.
If you want to hold me.
If you want to make things messy.
We can forget tomorrow.
But standing here now
With neither of us saying anything.
Wordless mouths that used to froth with anticipation..
Now two idle tunnels.
I thought someone would show some kind of emotion.
I thought we'd hit the pause button..
We would shift from its safe net.
If you want to push me..
You don't know any of the buttons.
You don't know any of the faces.
This thing was left stationary and the models changed.
Technology developed.
Winter happened.
Numbness factored.
I used to feel this passion
About not leaving things the way they were.
But I guess what i'm doing now.
Is slowly hanging up..

/close./

crazed babes, running with feeling.
we're all depressed.
lets not be misleading.
watching your idols, off themselves..
one by one.
falling in love,
with another corpse.
flowerless and insecure,
you stand as a guilty reminder..
but they look thru you,
none the wiser.
she sings thru your wrist.
the coffin dance,
glides thru your head.
songs with patti smith
entertain this distance.
what could things have been?
you have his advice,
but you don't trust them.
his ashes have long dissolved into goldston's pastures.
you're building an escape route.
no one latches onto you..
you're the lone wolf.
your parents both baby boomers.
we stand, witnessing our existence.
nothing feels the same.
nothing fucks the same.
cowardly we wave, translucent.
the night they took the tubes out,
you ripped thru the parking lot..
cursing lot's love.
destroying their perception.
no one can take from your stone heart.
choking back the feeling, you writhe on..
nursing the numbness.

/close./

"print"

these spies and the places they
sift down to.
safe beneath your shoulders..
i want to make mountains out of
pine needles.
thatched huts where we can build
our deception.
the falacy and the ear drum.
the great lie you keep beneath
your beating chest.. between the
palpitations..
there is a sunrise.
same as any morning.
there is a mealtime.
same as any morning.
i don't want to feel you in this
beating breast.
leave me.
these minds thrash between our
foreheads blindly.
i don't want her jealously.
i don't need these atoms fusing.
the sky is just as limitless as
it was before the day i
justified you.
ripped chords and sleeping
waranties make your bed.
collect your teeth, dear when
you dream.
make these messages stronger.
keep this empty pulse throbbing.
stripping clothes and breaking
necks, just to get a peek of you.
whispers and the mundane, subtle
things you do.
rejections are the currency.
watch out when she says,
"dear its just the vitamins".

/close./

"she and him"

the creases in your eyes, make like the sun..
they bring not shade, but tears to her eyes.
her lips are dry, her face is pink..
from her servitude and her constant adoration.
she loves the way your feet glide.
she loves the way your back bends..
the creases that mark your elbows.
the split that marks the morning..
the occasion for the dreary.
we collect ourselves and push foward..
mimicking days when we still remembered to touch.
fate leaves us directionless.
overwhelmed and undersiege from the better knowing public.
these pills kick in and the wash begins.
it brings me down to mattress.
where i can dream your eyes, the way they fold and close.
the way she looks to you.
to fight the dawn and break the china.
that would be gifts from your adoring parents.
these chairs sit, empty.
these books lay open.
i stay laying, staring thru the hole in the back of my mind..
watching you, the way you think, your heavy lids always down.
she loves you so, and it breaks my heart.



/close./

"this ones for d"

close your eyes.
sick from this unsucuumbing circumstance little veins, twitch and writh, dancing under your neck.
you smile hard; this autumn air moves you,.
far away from the technical maps.
far away from solutions,.
this bitter air draws around your clutched fist..
making that bouqet seem fuller.
the days and her memories play into you.
smoothing her fingertips up the small of your back.
twitching your small intenstine into manically clenching knots.
the sky draws a breath; you stand frozen, dumbfounded by its pink exhalation.
these buildings stand as unsoothing reminders of people you love but cannot touch..
of memories that remain just that.
another cork pops..
 
/close./

"ssr"

eyes dance
announcing their independence..
rolling east to the hollow spaces they rest in your skull
remembrance kills you
as these consequences set in
you want to touch his face
you want to be his source of comfort
polish his feet..
but you didn't invent the wheel..
you weren't there when he first breathed life.
echos rittle your chest numb.
they eat at that space beneath your sternum.
you can't close your eyes, open your eyes, acknowledge your mind, without seeing him.
with those long lashes.. and the way the bones are set beneath his wrist.
the way he looks down..
but she reminds you,
you were not the first person to fetch his water.
you were not there when he first breathed life.
skillets crash against your temples..
startling waves of pain that bother not to whisper..
but bore into the back of your head.
reminding you not to make eye contact.
reminding you to forget how his skin feels..
they look down your throat and respectfully say,
"no one is good enough"
it aches.
this pity.
i see sunshine in my peripheral.
rolling grass, and you are smiling.

"sasha"

social disapathy
curling its way thru your connective tissues
extinguishing lifelines
of friends and people to see..
you are shut in like the recluse.
you will fail whether
talented or talentless..
the unihibited are inhibiting you.
backwards, backwards you scale.
hushing all their consideration.
surrendering to the death of you.
this takes your tongue
this makes you lie
there are tears in the back of you
but that compulsion is the beast of you.
so you sit home alone.
not extending your doors to new vocations.
just sleeping inside yourself retaining dreams of you.
of days when you are constantly tired.
of days when you will be brave.
you sleep inside of yourself
knowing those dreams are mild lies
you use to pacify this senseless exisitence.
where you are nothing of yourself
where you extend nothing of yourself
where fear and embarassment corrode your neck
and leave your head slumped atop of your shoulders.
you want to go out on the street.
but cat's got your legs.
social disapathy.
inhibits every cell of you.

/close./

"lune."

this painting sits, so fresh and determined.
his head is locked, and you are no exception
to his policy of not extending keys..
you see the humanity in him.
the nervousness behind his smile.
and the continuem is warranted.
selfish aggrevations..
its a gift you toss and turn to extend..
you writhe and bite your tongue as you try to articulate, the swell that grows within you..
the sunrise that his face produces..
you can see it in the eyes of every skeptic.
you've wanted more, but what was there to take?
play those games like other girls..
play those games so you can move between his sheets.
wrap your legs around his chest,
the official apology.
and they all play games like this..
you just want to hold his hand and rub his back.
eyes bore into your temples..
when you take your hair down.
these pins pause and collect.
truimphs can rain down all day.
but you are still a morbid thinker at night.
the eye is set to the back of the room.
it catches lines in its peripheal.
you are close but its unnoticable.

/close./

"end some"

the pain returns
it fills in for the dreams when in daylight they can't hunt you.
twisting your stomach, leaving you bound and writhing.
shaking this almost empty container..
pastel colors dance down your throat.
numbing you into submission.
the dying day makes its way thru your curtains,
pink containment washes over your walls.
you sit slumped against some corner..
reliving it all.
their ashes, your spectacles.
nothing can lift the corners of your mouth anymore.
its just another segment of time.
its just another period of waiting.
until the sun returns.
until the birds wake up..
and i can be alone,
on the outside.
staring thru faces.
you go do your job.
working, paying to be here..
when everyday.. you go home.
when everyday.. you wake up.
alone.
collecting your greenery.
sleeping in your headphones
pretending you are alive.
the grey takes over the city.
the grey masks everything..
with winter apathy.
you fold your hands and recline into the ceiling.
as the neighbors dance, and eat, and cry above you.
unobtainable life.. the introverts don't feel.
the pain returns,
embodiment of codependency.
peaceless little trick,
the nervous twitch, you call living.

/close./

"digestion"

i close my eyes and shut my nose
to help simplify your existence
and what it does to my chest.
what it does to my checks.
what it does to my nerves.
i smile fondly and carve nothingness into my mind.
sweet isolation mends my open heart. filling in the cavern with numb difficulties.
i remember the first time i met you
time stopped and you grinned sideways, partially winking at him.
in your green shirt, you tucked your hair behind your ear and my heart stopped.
from the moment i first saw you, i knew.
you would be prone to constant mental editing.
the way she opens her heart.
i want to protect her.
balancing the both of you, leaves my chest rotten.
leaves my breast devoid of feeling.
leaves my trust locked behind my retinas.
leaves me genderless and cynical.
i want to stroke your cheeks.
i bite my tongue, looking thru not at you..
always in my mind.
is the way you look at me.
do they see it that way too?



/close./

"dig a hole"

can we start colliding?
dig a hole in the desert.
i could just wait there.
till this whole life blows over.
after the postcards wear off.
we're back to pretending.
adjusting.
you are just a thought in my head.
stars used to embrace you.
when i was far away,
from this cesspool i flop around in.
back when the sky was still empty.
there was a place where we still could dream.
i know you were sick and numb then,
but something feels displaced here.
you've exhausted everything.
when did you stop failing and just start
relenting.
whats the big dream
the chorus flits around
metallic fantasies
that sew your stomach.
sitting alone.
the tickets found its way to your palms.
if your sweat doesn't deteriote them..
you might have a future.
if you can hold your breath..
if you can make it down the aisle.
dig a hole in the desert.
and stick a whole damn city in it.
stare at the sun until our retina's disentigrate.

/close./

"baby"

you walk between eyelash fields.
trying to find a place to stick that pain that creeps behind your skull..
trying to fill your cheeks with mud.. so they will rest safe, pressuming you're only smiling.
and yes, sometimes i still picture us,
as if even time could be cropped and pasted..
she's there, cradling your nervous shoulders..
warming you like the love of the sun.
but time and space evade us..
and you have bitten the frost of the winter.
and you have been taken and repackaged, somewhere into a space that we avoid.
and now only the clouds play tribute to you.
there's a pink page that i keep in the back of my mind.
i let it bring me to my knuckles.
eclipsing tears, digging into these carpets of clay..
until i am somewhere drowning.
buried under the salt of rememberance.
i wish i could take your face between my gnarled fingers,
that i could paint you a brighter backdrop..

/close./